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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  December 7, 2011 1:30am-2:00am PST

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>> jon: that's our show. here it is, your moment of zen. >> the scottsdale, arizona, gun club were offering to take a picture with santa and, of
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course, your favorite high-powered weapon. >> in addition to the picture, they also let you fire captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you!
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welcome to the "report," in here out there, around the world. (crowd chanting "stephen") folks... thank you so much for joining us! (cheers and applause) folks, i've got to tell you, you did not have to chant my name! (laughter) but if you didn't, i would have had to start the show over. (laughter) something i'm sure none of us want to go through. (laughter) nation... (laughter) despite my best efforts to ignore them, things are happening in other parts of the world. for instance, there's america's ever-escalating tensions with iran that could lead to yet another war in the middle east. and there's bad news, too. jim? >> iran claims it has captured one of america's most sophisticated spy planes. >> the secret stealth drone--
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nicknamed the beast of kandahar-- is one of america's most sophisticated intelligence tools. >> stephen: not the beast of kandahar! (laughter) far more sophisticated than the previous beast of kandahar, a goat. (laughter) folks, this is dangerous! our cool remote-control plane went over the fence and crashed in iran's backyard! and you know old mr. ahma-"you kids stay off my lawn"-ijad is never going to give it back. (laughter) that thing is expensive! i knew we shouldn't have been playing with in the that vacant lot. now, folks, someone is going to have to go get it back. well, once again, i guess it has to be me. (cheers and applause) mr. ahma-"did anyone ever tell you you look like jake gyllenhaal"-ijad? we're really or about our drone
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landing in your yard, sir, and about those times we t.p.'d your sanctions. i know you don't like us hanging out with those jewish kids but what are we going to do? they're our strategic play date in the region. anyway, if you could give us our drone back we promise never to ever ever bother you ever again, okay? and if you do i swearly come over here every weekend and mow your sand. (laughter) >> all right. >> stephen: that's the work. that's the work. (applause) okay? oh, oh, and while we're at it, can we get the hostages back, please? come on! it's day 11,720! you have made your point! nation, i am sick and tired of media elites criticizing the g.o.p. presidential field saying that they made millions as unregistered lobbyists or they kill coyotes when jogging or
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they said "the lion king" will turn your kids gay. (laughter) and on abc's this week this week journalistic elder statesman with a four-year-old hair cut george will had the balls to trip whole field. >> between now and 2016 those parties have to do some serious thoughts as to whether they can develop some fiter to prevent this process-- particularly with mad proliferation of debates-- from being hijacked by charlatans, entrepreneurs and entrepreneur flurl charlatans. >> stephen: and don't get him started on the charla-preneurial entrepre-narlatanss! (laughter) well, the media snob cans shut their traps because the next republican debate is going to be super serious. >> there is a debate that will happen actually on the 27th of december hosted by none other than donald trump who will be the moderator. >> stephen: boom!
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serious enough for you now? does jim lehrer have his own brand of bottled water? does jim lehrer poop in a golden toy sflet no. (laughter) jim lehrer is not serious and trump is ready to make this debate about ideas. >> i like the idea of bringing in some very good talent and people that are knowledgeable in certain subjects. i'm pretty knowledgeable on most of the subject. i'm actually very knowledgeable on foreign affairs and things of that like. (laughter) >> stephen: so, candidates, be prepared to be drilled on "things of that like." "items of that such." "topics of this stuff" and "fluency in, you know, that one thing." (laughter) after the debate, trump is going to do something to make this debate the first one that really counts. >> the debate is december 27. i'm looking to endorse somebody after that debate. >> stephen: trump will endorse the winner.
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second place wins gary busey. (laughter) now, clearly, clearly trump wants to be the new republican king maker even before this debate announcement he hand candidates lining up to kiss his gold ring! which is not easy to find because it is the same color as his skin. (laughter) folks, this trump tack already a is still not serious enough for people like george w. bush's for ari fleisher who called it an invitation to a circus. karl rove who said "i think the republican national chairman ought to step in and say "we strongly discourage every candidate from appearing." bush strategist mark mckinnon who said "this trump debate is proof the inmates have taken over the asylum." (laughter) and today possibly inevitable nominee and second-place front-runner mitt romney deline's trump's invitation
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which means there is a good chance tomorrow he will accept trump's invitation. (laughter and applause) good man. folks, i think these candidates are making a mistake not turning up for trump. but i get why they're hesitant. the guy's a clown only with more makeup. i can they because donald's a friend, a tremendous guy. he's great. we have the world's number one-rated friendship. having said that, he's a joke. (laughter) a big cuckoo lunatic. i wouldn't trust him with a burnt match. this guy is not a king maker, he's small potatoes. fingerlings, tremendous. best side dish ever. do the math, i personally broadcast 161 shows a year, he does 20. a middle school production of "the music man" does more than that, okay? he's a child. he's a toddler wearing man pants. look at this yuck. looks like a gin-soaked raisin
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fell into a nuclear reactor. (laughter) all right? nuclear. nuclear power, by the way, the future i'm heavily invested. you want to play king maker, donald? that's my turf. i get things done, i close deals ask my guests. the black keys wanted gluten free crackers, i made it happen. boom, nobody else does that. i started a superpac. unprecedented money, unprecedented influence. i can call the pope, he answers, we talk soccer. see this watch? 100% platinum. see this watch? 100% gold. okay? i wear them underwater, fish love them, they're shiny. every night i eat egg rolls for dinner. nobody stops me. every bathroom in my house has two syncs and three toilets. i use all of them. (laughter) the point is forget donald trump, he's history rolled in forget him smothered in a yesterday sauce. (laughter) tomorrow is about me, the most
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famous man in the history of south carolina. the g.o.p.... the g.o.p. wants a serious debate? they deserve it. bar none, they're the best party in the world, that includes space! that is why as of this moment i am officially announcing my own republican debate. stephen colbert's south carolina serious classy republican debate. (cheers and applause) i am doing this. you hear that, donald? you hear that? people are excited. everybody's excited about that. okay? check both of my watches when they got excited. i'm doing this, it is set, it's going to be on animal planet in january and we'll figure out the date later. write that down, i told them i eat get back to them. every serious candidate is invited. they know who they are and they have my phone number which, by
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the way, is the most exclusive phone number in the history of the united states phone system. it has three sevens and four diamonds. it's a full house. gentlemen, lady, call me: you know what what? cain can come, too. the blacks love me. you will all be part of the most influential debate since the dawn of television. everyone arrives in a limo, the limo's get taken away by helicopter. (laughter) all the men in tuxedos, michele bachmann in a fur hat. sable. only the best. and it's not going to brainiacs. it's going to be real issues real people do. they say nobody can drink a gallon of milk in an hour. my president is going to do it. (laughter) you want a foreign policy question? first you eat a bug, okay. you scared to eat a bug? how are you going to deal with sdmin that's all they eat. by the way, panda express, number one airport fast food chain, get the lo mein, it comes with fried rice. and it's going to be the highest-rated debate in the history of television. why because whoever wins i'm going to marry them, all right?
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televised wedding, spectacular. huge exposure, lavish honeymoon to the colbert national tower in toronto, canada. see the skydome, see the blue jays, number one baseball team in ontario. call me, candidates, this offer expires when i say it does. see you at the debate. we'll be right back. ♪ swing music plays ♪
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(cheers and applause) welcome back, everybody! my guests tonight won three grammy this is year. wow! one more and that's four! please welcome the black keys! (cheers and applause) hey, thank you very much. dan, patrick, good to see you again. those lights tried to kill me. all right, good to see you back.
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the album you won three grammys for this year is called "brothers," right? >> yes. >> stephen: okay, welcome to the club! welcome to the grammy club. >> right. >> stephen: right. i won a grammy. (cheers and applause) >> congratulations. >> stephen: thank you very much. i wasn't fishing for that but thank you very much. do you have any tips on maintenance or anything? >> yeah what do you use to polish it? >> stephen: a shamie, and feed it nothing but baby food. the new album is called "el comino." all right, why... why the hispanic influence? why not "that comino"? (laughter) >> actually, we thought it sounded like a cool word. >> it is cool! it's a totally cool word. when i was a kid, el comino was the cool car. >> right. we saw an elko kha meno when we were on tour and we thought "hey why don't we call the record el
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comino." >> stephen: there so there's a back story. (laughter) are your songs that deep? (laughter and applause) >> there's deeper meaning now because that was our tour van. >> stephen: but that's not an el comino. >> el comino means the road or the path. >> stephen: i didn't know that. >> neither did we. we found that out. >> so you've made the decision and made it sound meaningful later? >> we didn't make it sound meaningful. we... we accidentally walked into that. we found the meaning later and pretended it was meaningful. yeah. >> stephen: well, i love that it's not only an el comino, none of the photos, none of them, are el cominos. >> stephen: those are in akron, ohio, where we're from. >> stephen: you guys aring from akron! akron, does it have a big music scene in is akron like its own motown? akron makes tires, right? >> yeah, it's a the rubber
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capital of the world. >> stephen: it's part of the mo of motown? >> there are a lot of great bands that came from there but it's sort of... depressed economy, not a lot going on. >> stephen: we would have to... >> we would have to drive to cleveland to play shows. there's no clubs. >> stephen: no clubs in akron. >> they'd go out of business every year. >> stephen: you drew a crowd. >> we love akron. it's just... yeah, it's a smaller town in the midwest and, you know... yeah. (laughter) >> stephen: no, stop right there. later we'll find out that that means something. (laughter) >> there's a lot of cheese bergers there. >> stephen: let's talk about the pressure of stardom because you guys are on a rocket ship to the moon right now. okay? this time last year you were beardy and glasses, the rock 'n' roll guys. now you are the black keys! triple grammy winners! everything you do is
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scrutinized. every note. is there any pressure knowing that any moment the star ship could crash? >> um, yeah, absolutely. >> stephen: how do you deal with that fresh injury? >> we just try to ignore it. >> stephen:ly not let you. because you know we're broadcasting this tonight. >> really? >> stephen: yeah. a lot of bantdz we don't. (laughter) but i'm a huge fan of you guys. >> thank you so much. >> stephen: i haven't heard the new album, what can i snex is there anything different about this from "brothers"? because you have this bluesy soulful rough rock 'n' roll sound. >> there's less of the soulful... less slower songs, more up tempo. but definitely still sounds like us. >> stephen: more up tempo. so a lot of my audience watches the show with mute on. so are the songs more like... (laughter) or are they more like... (laughter)
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>> definitely the first one. >> stephen: or maybe more like... >> >> yeah, there you go. >> stephen: really. >> more like that. >> stephen: god, that sounds like a great album! (cheers and applause) you guys for years just drove around in like a band with no heat... van with no heat, right? >> a van with no air conditioning. >> stephen: okay. other side of the coin. do you enjoy this level of success? obviously money is good but do you like being famous? because i love it. i'd rather be famous than respected. (laughter) >> >> i don't know, we're not too comfortability with, like, doing famous things. >> stephen: groupies... >> interviews.... >> stephen: groupies, rock 'n' roll, hot and cold running tail. (laughter) seriously? seriously? come on, i bet you guys are beating them off with a stick! (laughter) just be honest, i won't broadcast this part.
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(laughter) (laughter) dan auerbach and patrick carney, the black keys. we'll be right back with a performance by the said band
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>> stephen: here to perform "lonely boy" off their new album "el comino" ladies and gentlemen, the black keys. (cheers and applause)
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♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ i don't mind bleeding any old time you keep me waiting, waiting ♪ ♪ oh, oh, i got a love that
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keeps me waiting ♪ oh, oh, oh, i got a love that keeps me waiting ♪ i'm a lonely boy, i'm a lonely boy ♪ oh, oh, oh, i gotta a love that keeps me waiting ♪ ♪ well your mama kept you but your daddy left you ♪ and i should have done you just the same ♪ but i came to love you and i'm born to flee ♪ any old time you keep me waiting, waiting, waiting ♪ ♪ oh, oh, i got a love that
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keeps me waiting ♪ oh, oh, oh, i got a love that keeps me waiting ♪ i'm a lonely boy, i'm a lonely boy ♪ oh, oh, i got a love that keeps me waiting ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ oh, oh, oh, i got a love that keeps me waiting ♪ oh, oh, oh, i got a love that keeps me waiting ♪ i'm a lonely boy i'm a lonely boy
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♪ oh, oh, oh, i got a love that keeps me waiting ♪ (cheers and applause) >> stephen: the black keys "el comino." number-one album,
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